just a feeling

Do thoughts run you in circles? leaving you panting, confused, wishing for an escape? look away, toward the telly, toward the flickering consciousness that will give you respite, give you peace, give you fleeting reassurance, but leave you, at the end of the evening/day/night spent, vaguely depressed, with images flickering across your closed eyelids. Are there too many thoughts, too much information, too many expectations and never the time to do it all and certainly never the chance to get credit for doing it all? What does it take to get all those holiday cards done? Is it a pleasure or a chore? Do you enjoy the holiday season, or resent someone, somewhere, for foisting some of this on you? Is it you or someone else who ensures the office is decked out in holly? Which one of you feels more guilty, the doer or the not-doer? What is it about all this information rushing at you through the screen, through the phone, in the daily post, in the daily paper (do you subscribe?) that never seems to get finished, in the ongoing conversations that tell you who is going to Tenerife and what colour shoes she was wearing, but never tells you if he is as happy as he seems to be? It's just too much. We are not human-doings.

Can you identify what you are feeling right now? Can you tell me what you are feeling, when you are feeling it? Can you read my face when I am masking my emotion; would you know if your dearest friend was desperately unhappy if he/she did not tell you directly? when the stranger comes to your door asking for a can of soup, what do you feel as you decide to go find one for her/ for him and would you give them two if there was a child with them?

Logic and rational thought are important - they let us follow the rules of society and be part of the civilised world. but we need more balance with feelings: we need to listen to what is going on when our brain is quiet. when it feels like we should turn left instead of right, do we do so, or not? when we break something, what were we thinking or feeling JUST before it happened? and after? if there is nothing else to life beyond the visible, how come everyone seems to see and feel things differently? If air is transparent, why do we sometimes see things just out of the corner of our eyes....and its not in our direct field of vision? what's the feeling when the senses are suddenly heightened?

There's more to the world than our own energy levels; there's too much to grasp to spend time playing bejeweled blitz or watching reruns, again. Or, do you fancy a Groundhog Day-type existence. (What, run the same life AGAIN?) What if your sister were waiting for you? Not your flesh and blood sister, but your soul sister. The one you knew so long ago, that all you can remember is her. Would you still want to turn on the telly and forget? What if your father were waiting for you? Not the fellow who raised you this time, but the kind soul who you recognise from his eyes; the one with whom you feel real kinship, but are not sure you can ever really say so, because it sounds so crazy. Instead of tuning out, maybe its worth using your time to discover (slow down) how to tune in. Maybe I am wrong about all this, but perhaps I am right; there is no such thing, as "just" a feeling.